A Case for Sexual Purity
The Mustard Seed newsletter, Campus Ministry column
September 2014 - June 2015
Pastor Ron Friedrich
September 2014 - June 2015
Pastor Ron Friedrich
Counter-Culture Lifestyle
This year in our campus ministry we will tackle an important topic that has been neglected among Christian people in our day. The Bible has so much to say about godly courtship that we pastors and teachers act as if Christians have automatically absorbed it, know it, believe it, and follow it. Since it's in the Ten Commandments, what more needs to be said?
Your grandparents grew up in a culture that generally accepted the Bible's principles for dating and marriage, even if folks didn't always follow those principles. But the culture in which we live today is so different, it is openly hostile to those principles. Thinking and acting like a disciple of Jesus is no longer a matter of just going along with what is socially acceptable. When we become followers of Christ, He calls us to stand out, stand strong, and if necessary, stand alone.
How the world responds to our life-style choices is self-conflicted. On one hand, the world laughs at the Bible's principles for dating and marriage. On the other hand, unbelievers have a faint memory of those principles of purity and faithfulness, so that when someone who professes to be a Christian violates any of those principles, the world is quick to condemn. They judge us, not for violating God's design; they judge us as hypocrites, whose actions don't match our words. And their judgment is correct.
So... let's dive in and tackle the one thing the world is obsessed with and the church likes to avoid: Sex.
Now, here is a big shocker: God thought of sex before any of us did. Sex was originally His idea. He invented it. He designed it. And He did it without the help of Hollywood, the Internet, and YouTube. (Here is another big shocker: The fact that we are even here is a clue that someone thought of sex before we did.) "God saw all that He had made, and it was very good."...including sex. (Genesis 1:27, 28, 31)
As the sole designer and creator of sex, God has some very basic principles for the way He wants us to enjoy this great gift. If we follow those principles, we will receive the greatest benefit and pleasure that He intended. But if we reject God's design, we will not only miss the benefit He intended, we may experience personal heartache, which we can easily avoid if we only listen to the Bible's very practical advice.
The first principle of sex is this: God intended sex for marriage, and only marriage. His purposes for sex are (1) to nurture marital intimacy and commitment, (2) to serve and bless our spouse, and (3) make babies. This principle is in direct contradiction to the core values of today's culture.
Recently a popular men's magazine interviewed members of Duck Dynasty's Robertson family. The first question was directed to Jase Robertson regarding his new book, Good Call: Reflections on Faith, Family, and Fowl. The interviewer sarcastically asked: "Do you actually expect people to believe that you waited until you got married before you had sex?" Our guide for life is not what "people believe," but what the Designer proscribes.
"But... But... But..." I have heard people argue, "you really should have sex before you get marriage to be sure you are compatible." Compatible? What does that mean? I can assure you, God made all of your body parts so they fit. When you are married, God gives you a life-time together to learn together and figure each other out. And as you grow old together, you continue learning and the more fun your special time together becomes. This "compatibility" argument for premarital sex exposes a very immature understanding about physical intimacy in marriage. Your wedding night is only the beginning of your life of discovery together.
In future installments in this series, we will look more at the questions of why and how to wait for sexual intimacy. We will also look at the Bible's advice about who and when to marry.
This year in our campus ministry we will tackle an important topic that has been neglected among Christian people in our day. The Bible has so much to say about godly courtship that we pastors and teachers act as if Christians have automatically absorbed it, know it, believe it, and follow it. Since it's in the Ten Commandments, what more needs to be said?
Your grandparents grew up in a culture that generally accepted the Bible's principles for dating and marriage, even if folks didn't always follow those principles. But the culture in which we live today is so different, it is openly hostile to those principles. Thinking and acting like a disciple of Jesus is no longer a matter of just going along with what is socially acceptable. When we become followers of Christ, He calls us to stand out, stand strong, and if necessary, stand alone.
How the world responds to our life-style choices is self-conflicted. On one hand, the world laughs at the Bible's principles for dating and marriage. On the other hand, unbelievers have a faint memory of those principles of purity and faithfulness, so that when someone who professes to be a Christian violates any of those principles, the world is quick to condemn. They judge us, not for violating God's design; they judge us as hypocrites, whose actions don't match our words. And their judgment is correct.
So... let's dive in and tackle the one thing the world is obsessed with and the church likes to avoid: Sex.
Now, here is a big shocker: God thought of sex before any of us did. Sex was originally His idea. He invented it. He designed it. And He did it without the help of Hollywood, the Internet, and YouTube. (Here is another big shocker: The fact that we are even here is a clue that someone thought of sex before we did.) "God saw all that He had made, and it was very good."...including sex. (Genesis 1:27, 28, 31)
As the sole designer and creator of sex, God has some very basic principles for the way He wants us to enjoy this great gift. If we follow those principles, we will receive the greatest benefit and pleasure that He intended. But if we reject God's design, we will not only miss the benefit He intended, we may experience personal heartache, which we can easily avoid if we only listen to the Bible's very practical advice.
The first principle of sex is this: God intended sex for marriage, and only marriage. His purposes for sex are (1) to nurture marital intimacy and commitment, (2) to serve and bless our spouse, and (3) make babies. This principle is in direct contradiction to the core values of today's culture.
Recently a popular men's magazine interviewed members of Duck Dynasty's Robertson family. The first question was directed to Jase Robertson regarding his new book, Good Call: Reflections on Faith, Family, and Fowl. The interviewer sarcastically asked: "Do you actually expect people to believe that you waited until you got married before you had sex?" Our guide for life is not what "people believe," but what the Designer proscribes.
"But... But... But..." I have heard people argue, "you really should have sex before you get marriage to be sure you are compatible." Compatible? What does that mean? I can assure you, God made all of your body parts so they fit. When you are married, God gives you a life-time together to learn together and figure each other out. And as you grow old together, you continue learning and the more fun your special time together becomes. This "compatibility" argument for premarital sex exposes a very immature understanding about physical intimacy in marriage. Your wedding night is only the beginning of your life of discovery together.
In future installments in this series, we will look more at the questions of why and how to wait for sexual intimacy. We will also look at the Bible's advice about who and when to marry.
Parable of the Moth
Young Jeremy found a fat caterpillar in a tree in the back yard of his home. He captured that caterpillar in a large glass jar that his mother gave him. Jeremy punched holes in the lid of that jar, as his father suggested, and then every day he replenished the caterpillar's supply of twigs with fresh green leaves.
Then one day Jeremy noticed that the caterpillar had stopped eating and now was busy spinning a web of silk around itself. That web became so dense and thick, Jeremy could not see the caterpillar any more. This was exciting. Jeremy knew what was happening. The caterpillar was hiding in its cocoon, slowly changing into a moth. Jeremy knew he would have to wait a long time. But he examined the jar every day, because he did not want to miss seeing the moth come out.
Then one day, Jeremy noticed a small movement at one end of the cocoon. It looked like the moth inside was chewing a hole in one end of the cocoon. Jeremy sat and watched. Soon the hole was just big enough for the moth to stick part of its head out. Then it seemed to get stuck. Obviously, Jeremy thought, the hole isn't big enough. Jeremy waited wondering what the moth would do. If the moth were smart, it would go back into the cocoon again and chew the hole bigger, so it's whole body could get out. But moths are not very smart, so it just kept pushing and struggling to get its fat body out of that little hole.
Then one day Jeremy noticed that the caterpillar had stopped eating and now was busy spinning a web of silk around itself. That web became so dense and thick, Jeremy could not see the caterpillar any more. This was exciting. Jeremy knew what was happening. The caterpillar was hiding in its cocoon, slowly changing into a moth. Jeremy knew he would have to wait a long time. But he examined the jar every day, because he did not want to miss seeing the moth come out.
Then one day, Jeremy noticed a small movement at one end of the cocoon. It looked like the moth inside was chewing a hole in one end of the cocoon. Jeremy sat and watched. Soon the hole was just big enough for the moth to stick part of its head out. Then it seemed to get stuck. Obviously, Jeremy thought, the hole isn't big enough. Jeremy waited wondering what the moth would do. If the moth were smart, it would go back into the cocoon again and chew the hole bigger, so it's whole body could get out. But moths are not very smart, so it just kept pushing and struggling to get its fat body out of that little hole.
Jeremy wanted to help. He had an idea. He found a pair of tweezers in the bathroom. He opened the jar, and took out the cocoon. He carefully began pulling at the silk threads around the hole that the moth had made. Jeremy was very careful not to touch the moth.
Jeremy was successful in his mission. He was able to make the hole large enough to let the moth escape easily. But what Jeremy saw shocked him. The moth's wings looked deformed, all wrinkled up, and the moth seemed unable to spread them out. This poor moth could not fly. Unable to fly away to its natural habitat, the moth died within a day.
What Jeremy failed to understand was that his effort to help the moth escape the cocoon without a struggle crippled the creature. The physical effort that the moth must go through to exit the cocoon is what it takes for its moth-blood to flow to its wings and strengthen its muscles so it can spread those wings and fly away freely.
The experience of the moth struggling in its last stage of maturity is a picture of what each one of us must experience in our maturing into adulthood and the commitments of marriage and family. During our teen years our bodies change. Our hormones change. Our feelings change. Our desires change. For a young child, the whole idea of sex is gross. But that changes.
Jeremy was successful in his mission. He was able to make the hole large enough to let the moth escape easily. But what Jeremy saw shocked him. The moth's wings looked deformed, all wrinkled up, and the moth seemed unable to spread them out. This poor moth could not fly. Unable to fly away to its natural habitat, the moth died within a day.
What Jeremy failed to understand was that his effort to help the moth escape the cocoon without a struggle crippled the creature. The physical effort that the moth must go through to exit the cocoon is what it takes for its moth-blood to flow to its wings and strengthen its muscles so it can spread those wings and fly away freely.
The experience of the moth struggling in its last stage of maturity is a picture of what each one of us must experience in our maturing into adulthood and the commitments of marriage and family. During our teen years our bodies change. Our hormones change. Our feelings change. Our desires change. For a young child, the whole idea of sex is gross. But that changes.
In God's design of our development, our bodies and our desires seem to be ready for sex years before God gives us permission to righteously satisfy those desires in marriage. This internal struggle that we feel while we wait is like the moth's struggle to leave its cocoon. But that struggle is a necessary part of our maturing to become more fully ready for the responsibilities and life-time commitment that comes with marriage.
I have known many men -- young and old -- who didn't wait. They gave themselves permission and found opportunities for sexual experiences before they were wise enough and emotionally mature enough to commit to marriage. That early experience with sex stunted their emotional growth. Their bodies continued to mature, but their thoughts and attitudes about sex and relationships stayed very adolescent, stuck at the age they prematurely escaped from their developmental cocoon.
Yes, there is a long span of time between the beginning of our teenage awaking to that time God gives us the green light to marry the right person, in the right way, at the right time. And during that time there is much God wants to teach us about ourselves, about Him, about relationships, and about family.
Like what?
I have known many men -- young and old -- who didn't wait. They gave themselves permission and found opportunities for sexual experiences before they were wise enough and emotionally mature enough to commit to marriage. That early experience with sex stunted their emotional growth. Their bodies continued to mature, but their thoughts and attitudes about sex and relationships stayed very adolescent, stuck at the age they prematurely escaped from their developmental cocoon.
Yes, there is a long span of time between the beginning of our teenage awaking to that time God gives us the green light to marry the right person, in the right way, at the right time. And during that time there is much God wants to teach us about ourselves, about Him, about relationships, and about family.
Like what?
Dating vs Courting
When Christians discuss purposes and principles of dating, one theme keeps surfacing. They say that the purpose of dating is to prepare us for marriage. We learn how to relate. We learn about ourselves and other people. We can see if a certain person is "the right one."
Several years ago twenty-one year old Josh Harris wrote a provocative book titled, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, in which he argued that our culture's popular dating practices prepare young people for divorce, not marriage. Whether couples date casually, go steady, or live together, relationships have a romantic connection that is designed to be broken. Every commitment has an escape clause. Dating and living together are more effective in teaching us how to break up than how to commit.
Marriage is suppose to be a commitment for life, but so many couples say their marriage vows without truly meaning it. If their vows were honest, they would say, "I promise to stay married to you only as long as I feel love for you. But if you hurt my feelings... bye bye!"
Our modern tradition of dating is a spin-off from courtship traditions of past generations. Courtship has a very clear focus and purpose: wooing and winning a future life-partner in marriage. Modern practices of dating focus more on the present -- feel good and have fun now. What's wrong with that? Plenty:
If you are single, see every person you date as a potential marriage partner. That's not an extreme idea. Romance has a way of sucking us in deeper than we plan to go. So if you see any red flags while you are still able to think clearly, it is much easier to say "No thank you" now than it will be later when you are both "twitterpated." (That's a word from Disney's Bambi.)
What are those "red flags" that can alert you to a potentially disastrous relationship?
When Christians discuss purposes and principles of dating, one theme keeps surfacing. They say that the purpose of dating is to prepare us for marriage. We learn how to relate. We learn about ourselves and other people. We can see if a certain person is "the right one."
Several years ago twenty-one year old Josh Harris wrote a provocative book titled, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, in which he argued that our culture's popular dating practices prepare young people for divorce, not marriage. Whether couples date casually, go steady, or live together, relationships have a romantic connection that is designed to be broken. Every commitment has an escape clause. Dating and living together are more effective in teaching us how to break up than how to commit.
Marriage is suppose to be a commitment for life, but so many couples say their marriage vows without truly meaning it. If their vows were honest, they would say, "I promise to stay married to you only as long as I feel love for you. But if you hurt my feelings... bye bye!"
Our modern tradition of dating is a spin-off from courtship traditions of past generations. Courtship has a very clear focus and purpose: wooing and winning a future life-partner in marriage. Modern practices of dating focus more on the present -- feel good and have fun now. What's wrong with that? Plenty:
- Our focus on physical and emotional pleasure in dating clouds our greater need for developing wisdom and character which are important for family life. And it overshadows the spiritual bond of faith which a couple must share in order to have a strong successful marriage and godly family.
- Long term dating relationships pull couples into desires and experiences that should be reserved exclusively for marriage.
- Family life often requires that we satisfy our desires later rather than sooner for the sake of greater long-term family goals. We learn those important lessons of self-restraint and self-discipline in that time between puberty and marriage.
- When we marry, we bring into our marriage all of our past actions, attitudes, and experiences. Young married men have privately complained to me that their intimacy with their wife is marred by mental flash-backs of relationships they had with other women they had dated before they were married. Young married women lament that their husbands, who were wonderfully flirtatious before they were married, are still flirtatious... with other women. A man who does not respect the sexual boundaries of marriage while he is dating will not respect those boundaries after he is married.
If you are single, see every person you date as a potential marriage partner. That's not an extreme idea. Romance has a way of sucking us in deeper than we plan to go. So if you see any red flags while you are still able to think clearly, it is much easier to say "No thank you" now than it will be later when you are both "twitterpated." (That's a word from Disney's Bambi.)
What are those "red flags" that can alert you to a potentially disastrous relationship?
My Story
I graduated from college very single. I had several female friends, a few of whom I could envision as my life partner in marriage. But God had another husband in mind for each of them. After I messed up my head with a couple infatuations, I finally learned to give those "in love" feelings over to God the moment they hit. When I felt an attraction to one of my lady friends welling up, I immediately surrendered her and my desires to God. I asked the Lord to take over and guide. If my feelings were in agreement with His will, then I trusted Him to make that clear to both of us. But if God had someone else in mind for each of us, I prayed that He would also make that clear to me and take away those feelings.
God honored those prayers. Every time I gave Him permission to say "No," He made His "No!" emphatically clear. ...except the last time, when He finally said, "Yes!"
In my long season of singleness I received encouraging counsel from other single Christians, I discovered helpful insights in the Bible, I spent time in the company of happily married Christian couples,* and I read Christian books about family relationships which helped me prepare for the day I would become a husband and father. My responsibility in preparing for marriage was less about finding the right person to marry, but becoming the right person to marry. I also prayed daily for the woman who would eventually become my wife, before I knew who she was.
The primary text of Scripture which gave me direction was First Corinthians chapter seven. Corinth was a large city with a mixture of cultures, values, lifestyles, and religions. Young Christians who were new in their faith felt confused about the right thing to do regarding dating and marriage. They wrote to their mentor, the Apostle Paul, and asked his advice. 1 Corinthians 7 was his answer, and it is still good advice for us today.
Paul's opening sentence seems strange: "It is good for a man not to touch a woman." Huh? We can't even hold hands? Wait. We need to unpack this sentence.
The Greek word that is translated here as "touch" literally means "light a fire." What this verse said to me in my days as a single Christian was that God wants us to be careful in the way we relate with singles of the opposite sex. Don't light the fire of desire that you can't righteously satisfy. Men "touch" women emotionally with their words. Women "touch" men with their physical appearance. (Ladies, for the sake of your brothers in Christ, please dress modestly!) Of course, certain kinds of casual physical touching for both men and women will light an emotional fire. And if marriage is not on the horizon, it is best to keep your hands off each other until you really are ready to marry.
Paul follows this sentence explaining that sex is a good, natural, and necessary part of every marriage.
I graduated from college very single. I had several female friends, a few of whom I could envision as my life partner in marriage. But God had another husband in mind for each of them. After I messed up my head with a couple infatuations, I finally learned to give those "in love" feelings over to God the moment they hit. When I felt an attraction to one of my lady friends welling up, I immediately surrendered her and my desires to God. I asked the Lord to take over and guide. If my feelings were in agreement with His will, then I trusted Him to make that clear to both of us. But if God had someone else in mind for each of us, I prayed that He would also make that clear to me and take away those feelings.
God honored those prayers. Every time I gave Him permission to say "No," He made His "No!" emphatically clear. ...except the last time, when He finally said, "Yes!"
In my long season of singleness I received encouraging counsel from other single Christians, I discovered helpful insights in the Bible, I spent time in the company of happily married Christian couples,* and I read Christian books about family relationships which helped me prepare for the day I would become a husband and father. My responsibility in preparing for marriage was less about finding the right person to marry, but becoming the right person to marry. I also prayed daily for the woman who would eventually become my wife, before I knew who she was.
The primary text of Scripture which gave me direction was First Corinthians chapter seven. Corinth was a large city with a mixture of cultures, values, lifestyles, and religions. Young Christians who were new in their faith felt confused about the right thing to do regarding dating and marriage. They wrote to their mentor, the Apostle Paul, and asked his advice. 1 Corinthians 7 was his answer, and it is still good advice for us today.
Paul's opening sentence seems strange: "It is good for a man not to touch a woman." Huh? We can't even hold hands? Wait. We need to unpack this sentence.
The Greek word that is translated here as "touch" literally means "light a fire." What this verse said to me in my days as a single Christian was that God wants us to be careful in the way we relate with singles of the opposite sex. Don't light the fire of desire that you can't righteously satisfy. Men "touch" women emotionally with their words. Women "touch" men with their physical appearance. (Ladies, for the sake of your brothers in Christ, please dress modestly!) Of course, certain kinds of casual physical touching for both men and women will light an emotional fire. And if marriage is not on the horizon, it is best to keep your hands off each other until you really are ready to marry.
Paul follows this sentence explaining that sex is a good, natural, and necessary part of every marriage.
"A husband should satisfy his wife’s sexual needs. And a wife should satisfy her husband’s sexual needs. The wife’s body does not belong only to her. It also belongs to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong only to him. It also belongs to his wife. You shouldn’t stop giving yourselves to each other." (1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NIRV)
What this said to me as a young single man was that God made my sexual nature, not for my benefit, but for the woman who one day would become my wife. My body belongs to her. The fact that I did not know who she was yet made no difference. I must not give any kind of romantic or sexual attention to any other woman than her.
So how would I find her, and know that she is the right one? Tune in next month.
So how would I find her, and know that she is the right one? Tune in next month.
"My God will meet all your needs. He will meet them in keeping with his wonderful riches that come to you because you belong to Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19 NIRV)
___________
*Hint to married couples: Please invite single friends to dinner and family holiday events.
*Hint to married couples: Please invite single friends to dinner and family holiday events.
God's Guidance
How can you know which one is the right one for your marriage partner? How can you know if the time is right? What are the "red flags" to alert you that your choice is not the right choice? What are the "green lights" that indicate God's direction and blessing?
A few years ago in our campus ministry we studied principles of divine guidance -- how we should look to God for His leading in the decisions we make in life. All of those principles apply to our dating relationships and the choice of our life-partner in marriage. In summary, those principles are:
After I graduated from college, I was asked to develop teaching material about living as a single Christian. I invited a young lady friend who had been my college classmate to help me on this project. After we completed our project, we kept in touch and saw each other from time to time. Each of us privately began asking the Lord to show us His will. Was it His plan that we be partners for life? No sooner had we both started thinking and praying this way, we found that every time we tried to get together, something messed up our plans. Each of us took this as a sign from God that His answer to our prayer was "No." So we let it go. We never saw each other again until my friend came to celebrate my marriage to Georganne. God also led her to a godly man and bless them with a wonderful family.
Does the Bible say anything specific about whom we should or should not marry? Yes.
How can you know which one is the right one for your marriage partner? How can you know if the time is right? What are the "red flags" to alert you that your choice is not the right choice? What are the "green lights" that indicate God's direction and blessing?
A few years ago in our campus ministry we studied principles of divine guidance -- how we should look to God for His leading in the decisions we make in life. All of those principles apply to our dating relationships and the choice of our life-partner in marriage. In summary, those principles are:
- Specifically ask God for His guidance.
- Be willing to will the will of God.
- Obey Him in little decisions and daily choices.
- What does the Bible say? -- God's Word is the first and final authority.
- Seek the advice of mature godly Christians.
- Circumstances.
- Inner peace.
After I graduated from college, I was asked to develop teaching material about living as a single Christian. I invited a young lady friend who had been my college classmate to help me on this project. After we completed our project, we kept in touch and saw each other from time to time. Each of us privately began asking the Lord to show us His will. Was it His plan that we be partners for life? No sooner had we both started thinking and praying this way, we found that every time we tried to get together, something messed up our plans. Each of us took this as a sign from God that His answer to our prayer was "No." So we let it go. We never saw each other again until my friend came to celebrate my marriage to Georganne. God also led her to a godly man and bless them with a wonderful family.
Does the Bible say anything specific about whom we should or should not marry? Yes.
"Do not be joined to unbelievers. What do right and wrong have in common? Can light and darkness be friends? How can Christ and Satan agree? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?"
(2 Corinthians 6:14-15 NIRV; also see 1 Corinthians 7:39)
God's design for marriage is unity. "... a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. The two of them will become one." (Genesis 2:24 NIRV) Your relationship with Christ is the most important thing in your life; it is your most precious treasure. You cannot have true unity with the person you marry if your spouse does not share your faith. The marriage relationship is a triangle formed by husband, wife, and God at the top. As husband and wife each grow closer to God, they grow closer to each other. A marriage partner who does not have fellowship with Christ is also not able to have true fellowship with you.
Don't date an unbeliever, because every person you date is a potential marriage partner. If you know that you can't marry him, don't date him. It's not fair to him or yourself. He may be a nice person. But if you cannot share the most important values in your life, you will never be able to experience true unity or true intimacy.
Ladies, if you are not sure if the guy who is asking you on a date is a Christian, invite him to church or Bible study. Then afterward, discuss your faith. Ask him to study Scripture with you. If he acts like a fish out of water, or if he does not take initiative in leading in prayer, take the hint. He's not the one for you. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you will win an unbeliever to Christ by dating or marrying him/her. Evangelism dating doesn't work. And that shows very little respect for the other person. Ladies, when you marry, you take your man as he is.
Don't date an unbeliever, because every person you date is a potential marriage partner. If you know that you can't marry him, don't date him. It's not fair to him or yourself. He may be a nice person. But if you cannot share the most important values in your life, you will never be able to experience true unity or true intimacy.
Ladies, if you are not sure if the guy who is asking you on a date is a Christian, invite him to church or Bible study. Then afterward, discuss your faith. Ask him to study Scripture with you. If he acts like a fish out of water, or if he does not take initiative in leading in prayer, take the hint. He's not the one for you. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you will win an unbeliever to Christ by dating or marrying him/her. Evangelism dating doesn't work. And that shows very little respect for the other person. Ladies, when you marry, you take your man as he is.
Red Flags & Green Lights
Previously we looked at some "red flags" which God waves in our face to show us that a romantic relationship we are pursuing is a time-bomb ready to explode. The first and most important concern is the faith of the person you date and eventually marry. Here are some others:
Even when all lights are green, you still must seek God's wisdom. And if you are willing to accept His counsel, no matter what it is -- yes or no -- He is faithful either to lead you forward on the path you are on, or he will lead you out in another direction that He knows is much better.
Previously we looked at some "red flags" which God waves in our face to show us that a romantic relationship we are pursuing is a time-bomb ready to explode. The first and most important concern is the faith of the person you date and eventually marry. Here are some others:
- Are you in a stage of life when you can reasonably begin planning for marriage and family? Or do you or your prospective partner have school or career plans which would prevent starting a family? If so, you would do well to wait to step into romance.
- How does your prospective mate relate with his/her parents? A man who is rude to his mother will treat his wife the same way soon after the "I-do's" are done.
- Do you or your partner have addiction issues? ...drugs, alcohol, pornography, spending. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can fix your partner and that you will keep his/her addiction under control.
- Do you or your partner have control issues? Do you correct your partner, often teaching him/her "the right way" to do things? Does your partner make decisions for you without considering your opinion?
- Integrity & honesty -- Does your partner tend to shade the truth when it is convenient? Don't fool yourself into thinking that your partner will lie to everyone else except you. A relationship that is not founded on trust cannot survive.
- Anger -- Do you or your partner have an explosive temper? Are you or your partner quick to complain and criticize others?
- Physical intimacy -- Girls, does you guy show disrespect for you by the way he touches you? Has he asked you to have sex with him?
- Are you or your partner still dealing with unresolved conflicts from prior relationships or marriages?
- You and your partner are in full agreement in matters of faith and together you actively seek God's guidance.
- Your partner is growing in faith, seeks to serve Christ, takes initiative in Scripture study and prayer, and "walks the talk" (i.e. consistently lives the Biblical principles he/she professes).
- Your partner has a good loving and respectful relationship with his/her parents -- and you also have a good relationship with them.
- Your partner treats you and others with respect with words and actions.
- Your partner is sensitive to the needs and feelings of other people.
- Both you and your partner are financially strong and stable; you both know how to handle money wisely.
- You and your partner share a common vision for future family life.
- Your parents and closest friends approve. (They are quicker to notice red flags than you can.)
- Each of you fully accepts the other person's quirks and flaws, with no intention to fix or make changes.
Even when all lights are green, you still must seek God's wisdom. And if you are willing to accept His counsel, no matter what it is -- yes or no -- He is faithful either to lead you forward on the path you are on, or he will lead you out in another direction that He knows is much better.
What if...
"What if God wants me to stay single for the rest of my life!?"
If we are willing to surrender our lives to God, we must do it without any reservation. Can we really expect God's blessing if we say, "Lord, you can have all of my life, except I want to keep control of this one part of my life; I will make the final decision"? Those of you who are single must indeed come to terms with the possibility that God may want you to serve Him as single and unmarried for the rest of your life. How do you handle that? The key is to be willing to will the will of God.
As a young single adult Christian, I desired to have a wife. But was that what God wanted for me? Just suppose... what if God's answer to my prayer was, "No, I don't want you to get married. My plan is for you to serve Me single for the rest of your days on earth." Could I accept that? One thing I wanted more than a wife was to be where God wanted me to be, doing what God wanted me to do. I knew I could never be happy or blessed trying to serve God while I was disobeying Him. So I asked God to help me to want what He wanted.
"Lord, if You know that I can serve You better and be happier married, then I trust You to bring into my life the woman of Your choosing, in Your time and in Your way. And I will thank you for that. But if You know that I can serve You better and be happier serving You single for the rest of my life, then I ask You to change my desires and give me complete contentment as a single in service to You. And I will thank you for that."
The Apostle Paul, who was single, made a strong case for single Christian service:
"What if God wants me to stay single for the rest of my life!?"
If we are willing to surrender our lives to God, we must do it without any reservation. Can we really expect God's blessing if we say, "Lord, you can have all of my life, except I want to keep control of this one part of my life; I will make the final decision"? Those of you who are single must indeed come to terms with the possibility that God may want you to serve Him as single and unmarried for the rest of your life. How do you handle that? The key is to be willing to will the will of God.
As a young single adult Christian, I desired to have a wife. But was that what God wanted for me? Just suppose... what if God's answer to my prayer was, "No, I don't want you to get married. My plan is for you to serve Me single for the rest of your days on earth." Could I accept that? One thing I wanted more than a wife was to be where God wanted me to be, doing what God wanted me to do. I knew I could never be happy or blessed trying to serve God while I was disobeying Him. So I asked God to help me to want what He wanted.
"Lord, if You know that I can serve You better and be happier married, then I trust You to bring into my life the woman of Your choosing, in Your time and in Your way. And I will thank you for that. But if You know that I can serve You better and be happier serving You single for the rest of my life, then I ask You to change my desires and give me complete contentment as a single in service to You. And I will thank you for that."
The Apostle Paul, who was single, made a strong case for single Christian service:
"A single man is concerned about the Lord’s matters. He wants to know how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the matters of this world. He wants to know how he can please his wife. His concerns pull him in two directions. A single woman or a virgin is concerned about the Lord’s matters. She wants to serve the Lord with both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the matters of this world. She wants to know how she can please her husband. I’m saying those things for your own good. I’m not trying to hold you back. I want you to be free to live in a way that is right. I want you to give yourselves completely to the Lord." (1 Corinthians 7:7, 32-37 NIRV)
As long as God did not give me contentment in the single life (even though I was willing to have contentment), I assumed that God had marriage in mind for my future. But the future wasn't here yet. So I understood that God had indeed called me to serve Him as a single person at that time of my life. And I understood from Paul's advice that as a single person I had far more time and freedom to serve Him than I could when I am married. I could hit the road for weeks at a time, traveling various places around the state where Deaf people met for fellowship. I understood that the day I got married, that week-long travel must stop. So I took full advantage of my singleness, finding my joy in serving Christ's people, and finding contentment in knowing that my future was in God's hands.
Another Scripture text which helped me find contentment as a single Christian came from the Song of Solomon, of all places. The Song of Solomon is a sensuous love poem describing the relationship between a husband and his wife. Embedded in that poem in three different places (2:7; 3:5; & 8:4) you will find this advice from the wife to her single girlfriends:
Another Scripture text which helped me find contentment as a single Christian came from the Song of Solomon, of all places. The Song of Solomon is a sensuous love poem describing the relationship between a husband and his wife. Embedded in that poem in three different places (2:7; 3:5; & 8:4) you will find this advice from the wife to her single girlfriends:
"Women of Jerusalem, take an oath and make me a promise...
Don’t stir up love. Don’t wake it up until it’s ready." (NIRV)
Don't bond your heart to anyone until the time and the person are right. And until that day, guard your mind; don't browse sexually explicit books and videos.
"I know the plans I have for you," announces the Lord. "I want you to enjoy success. I do not plan to harm you. I will give you hope for the years to come. Then you will call out to me. You will come and pray to me. And I will listen to you. When you look for me with all your heart, you will find me." (Jeremiah 29:11-14)
A great resource for Christian single adults is boundless.org.
How to Court
Marriage has four areas of relationship:
Intellectual
Emotional
Spiritual
Physical
Marriage is a growing experience as two people become one in all four areas of their relationship. Mutual understanding, trust, and open communication are important components in each of those areas.
Courtship and engagement is a time to focus on your intellectual, emotional, and spiritual bond. You will have a lifetime of marriage to develop your physical bond. If a couple is communicating, understanding, and loving in the first three areas, the way is open for a loving bond in the physical area in marriage. However, if any of the first three areas are weak or immature, the way is already blocked for mutual understanding in the physical relationship. You will not fully enjoy sex together through the years of your marriage if your intellectual, emotional, and spiritual union are weak.
It often happens during dating that a couple's relationship becomes too physical too soon. That slows or even stops development of the first three more important areas of relationship. People who marry "in heat" remain strangers to each other. A few years later they wonder why they ever got married.
Where dating and courtship go different ways is that so much of dating involves two activities: hanging-out and making-out. Courting couples conscientiously plan their time together to get to know each other intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. They learn all they can about each other -- their faith life and experiences, their values, their life goals, their family relationships, their friends, their strengths and weaknesses. Then, as their bond of love grows, they commit to encourage and support each other in all of those areas. Together they take time to meet each others' friends and extended families and win their friendship.
Even after the "I Do's" are said, this study of each other never stops. 1 Peter 3:7 says, very literally, "Husbands, love your wives according to knowledge." Make your mate the subject of a lifelong research project, even after your hair turns gray and falls out and the skin on your mate's face is wrinkled.
Marriage has four areas of relationship:
Intellectual
Emotional
Spiritual
Physical
Marriage is a growing experience as two people become one in all four areas of their relationship. Mutual understanding, trust, and open communication are important components in each of those areas.
Courtship and engagement is a time to focus on your intellectual, emotional, and spiritual bond. You will have a lifetime of marriage to develop your physical bond. If a couple is communicating, understanding, and loving in the first three areas, the way is open for a loving bond in the physical area in marriage. However, if any of the first three areas are weak or immature, the way is already blocked for mutual understanding in the physical relationship. You will not fully enjoy sex together through the years of your marriage if your intellectual, emotional, and spiritual union are weak.
It often happens during dating that a couple's relationship becomes too physical too soon. That slows or even stops development of the first three more important areas of relationship. People who marry "in heat" remain strangers to each other. A few years later they wonder why they ever got married.
Where dating and courtship go different ways is that so much of dating involves two activities: hanging-out and making-out. Courting couples conscientiously plan their time together to get to know each other intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. They learn all they can about each other -- their faith life and experiences, their values, their life goals, their family relationships, their friends, their strengths and weaknesses. Then, as their bond of love grows, they commit to encourage and support each other in all of those areas. Together they take time to meet each others' friends and extended families and win their friendship.
Even after the "I Do's" are said, this study of each other never stops. 1 Peter 3:7 says, very literally, "Husbands, love your wives according to knowledge." Make your mate the subject of a lifelong research project, even after your hair turns gray and falls out and the skin on your mate's face is wrinkled.
God designed marriage like a triangle. God is at the top of the triangle; husband and wife form the lower two corners. As you grow closer to God through sharing Bible study and prayer, you grow closer to each other.
There is one more important part to this triangle. Our relationship with God has been broken by sin. The cross of Christ is like a bridge across that gap which reconnects us to God through His love and forgiveness. Sin has also broken our relationship with each other. That same cross of Christ is the bond that reunites us. Marriage is a lifelong demonstration of God's love as we learn how to love and forgive each other. "Love erases many sins by forgiving them." (1 Peter 4:8 NIRV)
Texts of Scripture I highly recommend for couples to discuss together are:
As you read and discuss, also pray together about the things God is showing you through His Word.
There is one more important part to this triangle. Our relationship with God has been broken by sin. The cross of Christ is like a bridge across that gap which reconnects us to God through His love and forgiveness. Sin has also broken our relationship with each other. That same cross of Christ is the bond that reunites us. Marriage is a lifelong demonstration of God's love as we learn how to love and forgive each other. "Love erases many sins by forgiving them." (1 Peter 4:8 NIRV)
Texts of Scripture I highly recommend for couples to discuss together are:
- Genesis 1 - 3
- 1st Corinthians 13
- Ephesians 5 and 6
- The whole book of Proverbs
As you read and discuss, also pray together about the things God is showing you through His Word.
"You are God’s chosen people. You are holy and dearly loved... Let the message about Christ live among you like a rich treasure. Teach and correct one another wisely... Do everything you say or do in the name of the Lord Jesus. Always give thanks to God the Father through Christ." (Colossians 3:12-17 NIRV)
Waiting for "Christmas"
Remember when you were young, in the middle of December your parents put up a Christmas tree in the living room. Then day by day, wrapped presents appeared under the tree. If you were mischievous, you would look at the name tags to see which gifts had your name on them. But would you sneak open the gifts and play with them before the time designated by your family's tradition -- Christmas Eve or Christmas morning? I have no doubt that some of our readers did just that. How did you feel afterward? And how did you feel about that toy on Christmas Day?
Sex is God's gift which wives and husbands share with each other. It's a lot like a Christmas gift which God intends for us to open on our wedding night. But if we unwrap this gift and play with it before we should, what is suppose to be a joyful surprise becomes clouded with guilt. But if you wait, you will be so glad that you did.
As my wife and I grew in our commitment, we discussed ways we could express our affection for each other while we were engaged. Together we agreed on our limits, our boundaries for physical contact. This agreement lifted a great burden. It made us accountable to each other for our conduct. Since "how far can we go?" was a settled issue, we didn't need to struggle with it every time we were together. We could trust each other, and we could also trust ourselves.
During our courtship and engagement, we learned to be delighted with the little things, the trivial expressions of love, like just holding hands. When you feel that you must get more physical because the little things lose their thrill, what will you do when the "big thing" isn't enough? A thrilling marriage does not depend on how often a couple makes love, but rather on how frequently they express their love to each other in small thoughtful ways.
What can you do if you have already crossed the line? God's grace and forgiveness is big enough. With His help, you can back up, start over, and go at this the right way.
Walter and Ingrid Trobish were Austrian missionaries in Africa. They saw Africa in cultural transition, where tribal traditions conflicted with incoming Western culture, especially in courtship and marriage traditions. Trobishes wrote about a man who came to them for counsel about his love life. The man had once been engaged to a girl several years younger than himself. He had chosen a young mate whom he could treat like a student rather than a partner, so he could train her to become kind of wife he wanted. But then he broke up with her because he discovered that she was not a virgin.
As the man began to learn God's design for marriage, he also learned what grace and forgiveness mean, and he learned how to apply them to marriage. Eventually he did marry a wonderful Christian woman, who prior to her conversion had led the life of a prostitute.
Confession and forgiveness are vital to any relationship, especially for marriage. Early in our engagement, Georganne and I found that we needed to cleanse ourselves and each other of our past. Without being specific, we confessed to each other our past and our sometimes sinful relationships. We forgave each other completely in Christ's name and in His love. We needed to do that so no guilt of the past could hinder our relationship.
My prayer for you as you have followed this series:
Remember when you were young, in the middle of December your parents put up a Christmas tree in the living room. Then day by day, wrapped presents appeared under the tree. If you were mischievous, you would look at the name tags to see which gifts had your name on them. But would you sneak open the gifts and play with them before the time designated by your family's tradition -- Christmas Eve or Christmas morning? I have no doubt that some of our readers did just that. How did you feel afterward? And how did you feel about that toy on Christmas Day?
Sex is God's gift which wives and husbands share with each other. It's a lot like a Christmas gift which God intends for us to open on our wedding night. But if we unwrap this gift and play with it before we should, what is suppose to be a joyful surprise becomes clouded with guilt. But if you wait, you will be so glad that you did.
As my wife and I grew in our commitment, we discussed ways we could express our affection for each other while we were engaged. Together we agreed on our limits, our boundaries for physical contact. This agreement lifted a great burden. It made us accountable to each other for our conduct. Since "how far can we go?" was a settled issue, we didn't need to struggle with it every time we were together. We could trust each other, and we could also trust ourselves.
During our courtship and engagement, we learned to be delighted with the little things, the trivial expressions of love, like just holding hands. When you feel that you must get more physical because the little things lose their thrill, what will you do when the "big thing" isn't enough? A thrilling marriage does not depend on how often a couple makes love, but rather on how frequently they express their love to each other in small thoughtful ways.
What can you do if you have already crossed the line? God's grace and forgiveness is big enough. With His help, you can back up, start over, and go at this the right way.
Walter and Ingrid Trobish were Austrian missionaries in Africa. They saw Africa in cultural transition, where tribal traditions conflicted with incoming Western culture, especially in courtship and marriage traditions. Trobishes wrote about a man who came to them for counsel about his love life. The man had once been engaged to a girl several years younger than himself. He had chosen a young mate whom he could treat like a student rather than a partner, so he could train her to become kind of wife he wanted. But then he broke up with her because he discovered that she was not a virgin.
As the man began to learn God's design for marriage, he also learned what grace and forgiveness mean, and he learned how to apply them to marriage. Eventually he did marry a wonderful Christian woman, who prior to her conversion had led the life of a prostitute.
Confession and forgiveness are vital to any relationship, especially for marriage. Early in our engagement, Georganne and I found that we needed to cleanse ourselves and each other of our past. Without being specific, we confessed to each other our past and our sometimes sinful relationships. We forgave each other completely in Christ's name and in His love. We needed to do that so no guilt of the past could hinder our relationship.
My prayer for you as you have followed this series:
We have been asking God to fill you with the knowledge of what he wants. We pray that he will give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. We pray that you will lead a life that is worthy of the Lord. We pray that you will please him in every way. So we want you to bear fruit in every good thing you do. We want you to grow to know God better. We want you to be very strong, in keeping with his glorious power. We want you to be patient. Never give up. Be joyful as you give thanks to the Father. (Colossian 1:9-12 NIRV)
Guarding Your Mind
Our focus of study on sexual purity has been for young single Christians who are looking forward to marriage. This final installment in this series is for every Christian -- young, old, married, and single.
The battle for sexual purity for many Christians is lost in their private thought-life. The battle for a pure mind begins by guarding your eyes. A recent survey by the Barna Group found that 54% of Christian men and 15% of Christian women admitted to viewing pornography at least once a month. Most of those same men admitted looking at porn several times each week. And now the lure of dark explicit sexual entertainment is attracting millions of women through books like Fifty Shades of Grey (29 million print copies and 15 million electronic copies of Fifty Shades were sold in just 6 months after the book was released in 2012).
A few years ago if a man wanted to indulge in pornography, he had to go out and drive to a store where he could buy it. That inconvenience in a potentially socially embarrassing setting was enough to discourage many men from indulging. Now porn comes free, easy, and private through the internet. Google reports that sexually related words and phrases exceed all other search topics.
Many Christians -- both men and women -- excuse their indulgence in sexual fantasies with text or video with, "It's not that bad." So, little by little, we lower our standards like the proverbial frog sitting in a pot of water that is gradually heated to boiling.
My father-in-law had a great perspective on sexually oriented entertainment: "God never intended sex to be a spectator sport." When you find yourself watching or reading other people's sexual experiences, it helps to remember three things:
Married couples who grow old together without the outside interference of pornography can truly delight in each other. They enjoy fully satisfying each other sexually and in all areas of marital intimacy.
Our focus of study on sexual purity has been for young single Christians who are looking forward to marriage. This final installment in this series is for every Christian -- young, old, married, and single.
The battle for sexual purity for many Christians is lost in their private thought-life. The battle for a pure mind begins by guarding your eyes. A recent survey by the Barna Group found that 54% of Christian men and 15% of Christian women admitted to viewing pornography at least once a month. Most of those same men admitted looking at porn several times each week. And now the lure of dark explicit sexual entertainment is attracting millions of women through books like Fifty Shades of Grey (29 million print copies and 15 million electronic copies of Fifty Shades were sold in just 6 months after the book was released in 2012).
A few years ago if a man wanted to indulge in pornography, he had to go out and drive to a store where he could buy it. That inconvenience in a potentially socially embarrassing setting was enough to discourage many men from indulging. Now porn comes free, easy, and private through the internet. Google reports that sexually related words and phrases exceed all other search topics.
Many Christians -- both men and women -- excuse their indulgence in sexual fantasies with text or video with, "It's not that bad." So, little by little, we lower our standards like the proverbial frog sitting in a pot of water that is gradually heated to boiling.
My father-in-law had a great perspective on sexually oriented entertainment: "God never intended sex to be a spectator sport." When you find yourself watching or reading other people's sexual experiences, it helps to remember three things:
- What you are watching or reading is all FAKE. Those are actors playing pretend, and the story is the product of someone's fanciful imagination.
- That portrayal of sex in entertainment does not accurately represent REAL sex. This has a very damaging effect on marriages where husbands and wives find more pleasure in their porn than they do in each other. Their real partner can never measure up to their fantasy partner.
- The portrayal of sex in videos and literature does not honor marriage and true intimacy.
- Delete your log-in accounts for online video websites. This may seem drastic, but a serious problem needs a serious fix.
- Don't go to websites that have porn videos. If you are buying your erotica in stores, don't go into those stores. If you don't go there, you won't see them.
- Change your mouse cursor to the name of Jesus or a cross, which will always remind you that everywhere you go on the internet, Jesus goes with you.
- Change your online passwords so they include the name of Jesus, your spouse's name, or a Bible reference like Job 31:1, or Proverbs 26:11.
- Use your computer only for specific tasks. When you feel an urge to "just look around," turn your computer off, get up, and go do something good. If you are married, spend time with your mate.
- Remember that Google, YouTube, and other video sites keep a record of ALL of your activity on THEIR servers. It's called "tracking." They keep that info on their computers, so they still have it, even after you delete your browser's history and cookies. Nothing you do on the internet is secret any more. Besides, God knows what you are doing. One of His favorite ways of correcting wayward behavior is letting us get caught.
Married couples who grow old together without the outside interference of pornography can truly delight in each other. They enjoy fully satisfying each other sexually and in all areas of marital intimacy.